Choose Your Words Carefully, and When Necessary, Choose Again

My podcast episode last week was on the power of your words and their ability to shape your beliefs and experience, so my attention to words and conversations has been especially heightened.

Dashel, my oldest (14), and I were driving to an away baseball game and I love that one-on-one time in the car for conversation, but this one gave me a jolt.

I have really tried to encourage my children, their efforts, and their individuality without making them feel that their value comes from grades or other accomplishments or accolades. Dashel is outgoing and kind. He is helpful and affectionate. I could drop him off in the middle of a city two hours away and he would make his way home and have a dozen new friends. A lot of his strengths aren't what is graded on his report card but they are attributes that will serve him better than an "A" in European History.

So while he is not a straight A student, my focus has been on effort and not performance. Are you trying at a level you are proud of? Admittedly, the answer this year has been no. We are wrapping up his freshman year and he is always in the position of "trying to pull his grades up". On our drive I told him that his grades, and getting good grades do not impact his value, but it does impact his choices. "No they don't" he quickly replied. Uh - what???? He then preceded to remind me how I dropped out of university and am doing just fine. And just like that I tasted my words.

It has been so important for me to tell my kids that there isn't just one road to success. There isn't one formula and they can be open to trades, entrepreneurship, real estate investing or many other options that they may find passion in. Partly to allow them not to limit their possibilities and partly to impart respect for those that do choose a different path. I have tried so hard to stamp down the belief that those with a college degree are smarter, hoping that if I create a compelling enough argument that I may convince myself as well.

And he's been listening. But instead of getting a

message about unlimited opportunities he received the message that grades and college don't really matter because you can be successful without it. Whoa! My own words working against me... working against him actually.

How did I never check in on the message and see where it hit?

Time to course correct.

I was an excellent student. I had fantastic grades and had I not been arrested from stealing a helium balloon from a grocery store I would have been in the National Honor Society (can't make that up). I finished a semester early and was going to an art school in Atlanta. But the trip we took to tour it is when everything fell apart. My mother's eye was blood shot red and the optometrist appointment led to scans and a terminal cancer diagnosis. She was given months to live. I stayed home to spend time with her and my sister who lived in Atlanta and was going to take me in, moved home instead.

My 18th birthday and my official graduation was in June 1996 and she passed away in July. I had no mom and no plan. I had not gone on university tours visiting colleges and comparing notes for the perfect city or the perfect campus. I had not considered other majors and noted my top 3 schools. UNCC was 30 minutes away so I went and applied there and was accepted.

My mother was a guidance counselor (the best guidance counselor actually). She spent her days helping teens navigate the college application and selection process and readying them for success. Here I was figuring it all out on my own. Atlanta was not going to happen now that my sister lived in Concord. I was trying to figure life out while I was broken and grieving. While I have overcome obstacles to find success - and I am proud of that - I certainly needed to add this context for Dashel.

You can be proud of yourself for overcoming hurdles, but don't put them on the road and then pat yourself on the back for jumping over them.

There really is power in having choices. Grades allow you choices for schools, programs, majors. Money gives you choices in healthcare, lifestyle, and enjoyment. And words give us choices in directing our children.... and sometimes we have to choose again.